My e-meter keeps telling me to lay off the Cheetos
A recent poll showed that the majority of Americans believe the relationship between Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise is merely a publicity ploy. I think the importance of this has been downplayed. Is America really that cynical? Or perhaps we’re using our acute animal instinct to interpret potential signs of danger. A tiny facial twitch can mean the difference between the semi-worry of “Is this guy on the subway gonna flick that on me?” and the ultimate horror of “I just saw Phil Spector’s hair.” So obviously it’s due to a deep feeling that something is not right with Tom, and he’s about to attack us like a short, bratty gorilla.
Tom has been a Scientologist for over 20 years, but supposedly he only recently reached an exceptionally higher “operating thetan” level. This higher level has been reached through what they term “auditing” sessions and lots of time with an electro-psychometer, or e-meter: a small gadget Scientologists use on themselves (originally invented, ironically, as a psychotherapy aid). Tom’s inner psyche has at last been “cleansed” of the many, many “body thetans”—spirit remains of aliens the evil alien emperor Xenu exterminated with hydrogen bombs millions of years ago. Xenu implanted body thetans in human minds to keep people from fulfilling their god-like capabilities. I'm not making this up. The mind-scrubbing explains how Tom, now extremely god-like, is able to experience emotions we mere mortals are incapable of, like this puzzling thing he calls "love."
Does anyone else remember the old Real World formula? Where people form bonds across barriers of race, religion, sexual orientation, and rock-hard abs? I don’t need to see what happens when people stop being polite and start being flashers.
Tom’s transformation into media-blitzing Scientologist extraordinaire has been difficult to digest. Although I’ve never been a huge Tom Cruise fan, I still get excited about his movies because they’re usually the blockbusters that nearly live up to the hype. Remember the big anticipation for Mission Impossible? The previews for Minority Report with Tom tapping and swishing the see-through data panels all around his head? Stanley Kubrick and the Eyes Wide Shut orgy? Tom’s smushy Vanilla Sky face? Even if the movies aren’t great, they still have that sense of the latest New Thing. The first time I really liked a Tom movie was Rain Man. As soon as “Iko Iko” started playing, Tom was already oozing glitz, charisma, and sunglasses. In fact, Tom paved the way for the entire shade tippin’ genre. No Tom? No Ferris, no Kangaroo Jack!
So although Tom’s losing some fans with his dive off the deep end, he’s also losing people who appreciate him more than they’d like to admit. Unfortunately, he’s so convinced that he’s right, and he’s already such a big asshole—I mean, star—that I doubt the public’s disillusionment with Tom will have any effect on him.
Tom's contribution to the greater good of the world
Summer reality roundup
In honor of the long lost Tom of yore, I’m rating the shade tippin-ness of the current crop of reality TV shows. Play along with me!
DVD release of the month: Moonlighting seasons 1 & 2
Moonlighting should have forged the bridge between films from the Hepburn/Grant era and the romantic comedies to come—a seminal 80s series addressing the grit of the modern-day metropolis, the plight of the successful woman, and the men who still cling to traditional gender roles. In reality it led to Dharma and Greg. The quick one liners and sexual innuendo of Maddie Hayes and David Addison did pave the way for the brand of humor found on shows like Sex and the City, but their chemistry—in real life more Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie than James Carville/Mary Matalin—has been hard to top. And Moonlighting took risks with themed episodes. In the first two seasons, they dream a black and white film noir, experience an allegorical birth of Jesus, solve crimes aboard a mystery train, and perform an interpretive dance sequence. The characters often break through the fourth wall, making comments like “David, get your hand off my ass and get serious!” “If I get any more serious, they’re gonna move us to cable!” or “Wait, is the Christmas episode?” On top of all that, I burst out laughing every time someone says “Get with it, this is the EIGHTIES!” and Maddie’s endless shoulderpadded blazers are only outnumbered by Agnes DiPesto’s pastel turtlenecks, appliquéd sweaters, and macramé necklaces. Netflix it now!
Carrie underwhelms
Carrie Underwood’s “Inside Your Heaven” debuted at number one this month. It's the fastest selling single this year in the U.S. Oh, and it’s a piece of crap beyond words and a total lie. She doesn't want to be inside my heaven—it's not all hopscotch and lollipops—and she definitely doesn’t want to be taken to the place I cry from. Unless she likes hanging out in a little closet at my mom’s house.
Worth it just to hear Flock of Seagulls say “Next we’ll be playing a Ryan Cabrera song.” Haddaway doing “Toxic” and writhing on the floor is my favorite moment so far.
Dancing With the Stars
I don’t watch this one, but I’m pretty pissed that Joey McIntyre was voted off. He’s also king of another reality show called…
Celebrity Charades
Ignore the Chad Lowe, enjoy the outbreak charade geniuses like Joey McIntyre and Juliana Margulies. Cringe at the people who suck. Drool while they eat expensive catered food.
Being Bobby Brown
The show where Bobby and Whitney desperately try to prove to us…and each other…that they’re still in love. Melancholy quote of the series, from Bobby, as Whitney refuses to give yet another fan a picture or autograph: "I got into the business for the people. Whitney just wanted to sing.”
Hell’s Kitchen
“Fake chefs, fake restaurant, fake customers, fake vomit, REAL drama. Bad boy Gordon Ramsay makes grown men blubber and wet their pants…next on FOX!”
Beauty and the Geek
Not to be confused with Beat the Geek, the best Comedy Central game show ever. Oh, and Brian McFayden, you're not aging well.
