The Life Spazmotic
August 2005
Since this column provides me with the unique opportunity to communicate with exactly three people on the Internet, I bring you my list of the best of the summer. Unfortunately, it’s not very lying-on-the-beachy. I work full time for a crappy, leave-hoarding government contractor, so my vacation time is always near zero. This summer I’ve taken exactly one vacation day. And it was to help throw a bridal shower for my friend. (Hi, reader #2!) But despite my heavy workload, I’ve found time to see one ENTIRE movie in the theater AND watch a teen TV drama circa 1999 on DVD. Yes, this is your pop culture columnist. Right smack in the middle of it all.
What’s made summer 2005 special so far?
(1) Jergens Natural Glow.
(2) Mariah.
Nine weeks at number one! Yup, the Summer Jam 2005 is a ballad. Lesson Mariah has taught us: Twentysomething and crazy = annoying. Thirtysomething and crazy = interesting.
(3) Steroids.
And not just in baseball. This is embarrassing, but I’ve seen only one summer movie: Batman Begins. It was great, but I couldn’t help thinking about Christian Bale. He’s such an interesting actor. I mean he’s no Owen Wilson, but he’s so damn fascinating. Especially considering that in a feat of extreme steroids, er, talent, he went from a veritable skeleton in The Machinist to the hunkiest Batman ever, gaining 100 pounds in five months. I know he was starting out crazy skinny, so the first 20 pounds probably lept right back onto his body, but 100 in five months is still insane. I don’t really care though; it’s his body and his life. Continue on with the hotness.
(4) Geography.
Guns, Germs, and Steel, by Jared Diamond, is now running on PBS as a mind-numbingly boring yet insightful miniseries. It tackles the discrepancies between the have and have-not societies of the world and Diamond’s theory on how they got that way: Geography! Yup. It’s good to see geography getting its props, though it brings me back to 8th grade earth science with my strange teacher, Mr. Meisner, and his obsession with rocks and their “hardness.” Hmm. Diamond focuses on the role of geography in developing agriculture, which in turn led to developments in technology, and the role of geography in the existence of animals available for domestication, which not only led to more successful farming, but also introduced most of the diseases we know today. Diamond’s been criticized for being too focused on his theory and for overlooking the role of unique personal achievement in history. He also admits to overlooking China, which was not colonized by the blessed-by-geography Europeans and has been a successful society for ages. And though the series (like the book) is overly repetitive, the final installment was moving. Diamond travels to Zambia, one of the poorest countries in Africa, where in one hospital seven children a day die from malaria and where the average life expectancy is 35, nearly half his age. As he gasps out in tears, it makes you wonder if events like Live 8 could possibly be doing any good. But in his discussion of Malaysia and Singapore, two disease and poverty-stricken countries that have turned themselves around, Diamond reassures us that there’s hope.
(5) Food blogs.
Blogs that are all or mostly about food have completely blown up this year, and they’re ruining my summer. I torture myself at work every day with this. All the food bloggers take billions of pictures of all their tasty and delicious food with macro lenses so you can see every little luscious millimeter. The cupcake blog faction is especially out of control. They keep a bunch of their pictures on flickr. Go there and feel my pain. This is the real reason Atkins just declared bankruptcy.
(6) Fannypack.
Their second album, See You Next Tuesday, didn’t register with me at first, but I gave it a few more listens and now it’s become my apartment’s summer soundtrack. These girls have energy, they’re hilarious, and the music is ridiculously catchy. Gonna make you scream like Howard Dean!
(7) Movie tie-in candy.
(8) So You Think You Can Dance?? (It has no punctuation so I’m adding it myself, dammit.)
For its complete and utter failure to be the next Idol. I don’t care if they drag Paula in to help choreograph. None of my coworkers are talking about it (my version of the Nielsen ratings) and the judges are excruciating. Sorry Creepy Nigel, Creepy Nigel's creepy wife, and weird sweatery guy. The Amazing Race reruns on the Game Show Network are calling my name.
Summer rental
So once upon a time there was a show called Roswell on the WB. It told the story of a group of high school kids in Roswell, New Mexico, three of whom are half-alien. They can’t let the police or FBI find out because obviously that would lead to evil experiments and orifice probing. So the show not only has this element—the dark secret and the lengths the characters will go to in order to keep that secret—but it also has themes of romantic destiny, like Felicity and Ben, and romantic doom, like Buffy and Angel. The aliens have special powers, like making people itchy. Oh, and when Max, the Main Alien, makes out with his human girlfriend, they have visions of each other as children! Sexy, huh? Then Max’s girlfriend starts to see how the aliens first landed on Earth. All through kissing! Are you catching on yet? You have to rent this show. The supercute actor who plays Max, Jason Behr, is so alien-like, with his blankness and protruding ears, that I think he might be controlling Hollywood from afar. The second season is heavier on the sci-fi, but still explores human angst and desperate romantic feelings at least half as much as My So-Called Life. Hey, Brian Krakow even makes an appearance as Maria’s ex-con cousin. The third season will be released on DVD August 9th. Does it get any better? I don't think so.
