Chemistry Calculations
In the world of dating, there are certain phrases that are universally understood. Some are hopeful (being ready to move onto the “next level”), some are ominous (the dreaded need for “space”), but the most basic one, the one that seems to get the ball rolling on all the rest, seems to be “chemistry.” During a recent Sunday brunch, my friends and I got to pondering exactly what we thought chemistry was and why we seemed to be so hung up on the concept (because there’s no doubt that we’re definitely hung up on it - half the brunch was all about who had it, who didn’t, how long to wait for it and whether we could live without it). So who had it? Currently, it’s my friend Mariana and Carlos, the boy she met while on vacation in Mexico, as well as my friend Oly (short for Olga, but don’t call her that unless you want a dirty look thrown your way) and Joe, an Aussie boy she met while he was on vacation here in Los Angeles. Apparently, for Mariana and Oly, chemistry seems to exist... it’s just too bad it exists in another country.
So who didn’t have chemistry? Sadly moi, or at least I didn’t have it with the last guy I went out with: a total gentleman who brought me flowers and didn’t deserve me turning up my nose at the thought of calling him and whining plaintively “do I have to?” At which point, my friend Val jumps to my rescue and says, “Of course not. It’s not your fault you didn’t have any chemistry with him.” The girls all nod in agreement - after all, if there’s no chemistry, I’m off the hook, right?
“Too bad though,” muses Ale (short for Alejandra, also known as the best best friend a girl could ever hope to have), “I mean, remember Perfect Peter?” As if any of us could forget. Perfect Peter was this guy my friend Doris set me up with years ago, while we were still in law school. He really was perfect in every way and everything a girl could ask for. To be honest, if I hadn’t been distracted by someone who so wasn’t worth my time but with whom I’d convinced myself I had “real chemistry," Peter and I might have been, well, perfect together. Or not... I mean, hadn’t I written Peter off long ago because we just didn’t have chemistry together?
In fact, when I approached Taru about writing a column for stylethread and she suggested chemistry as a topic to write about, I immediately thought of Peter. What better way to illustrate the point that no matter how perfect someone is, if you don’t have chemistry for them, well, then there’s no point in beating yourself up about it. After all, chemistry isn’t something in your control, right? Isn’t it just supposed to happen? Except… somewhere during my contemplation of this column and the resulting discussions with my friends…something happened. I ran into Peter. And guess what I felt? Yup, chemistry.
It was last Saturday, at a birthday dinner at Geisha House, this oh-so-Hollywood sushi place, and as I’m sitting across the table from him, I’m thinking, "Hmm…I wouldn’t mind sitting next to him. Wait a minute..." giving myself a little mental shake, "...that ship has sailed, hasn’t it? And hadn’t it been me who’d decided not to get on board? So what was I thinking?" But then, as I’m leaving the party and saying my goodbyes to Pantea (the birthday girl, as well as Doris’s best friend), Peter and I start talking. We’re bantering back and forth and I’m feeling… could it be chemistry? Which begs the question: why did I feel it now and not three years ago? Because I was distracted then? Or because I’m bored now?
Anyway, it all got me thinking: what if chemistry wasn’t this magical thing you just have to wait for? What if it was in your control? Peter hadn’t changed, so maybe it was me. Maybe it had always been me. Maybe chemistry is just a state of mind, some kind of subliminal calculation a person makes that decides if they want to have chemistry with someone or not. Oly recently had a similar experience, having heard through the grapevine that a guy she’d been set up with months ago thought she was just his type and was lamenting to a mutual friend about the two of them not having chemistry. When I asked Oly whether she felt any chemistry with him, Oly said “No, because he wouldn’t let it happen. He was too stiff or something.” Hmm…if my theory’s got anything to it then maybe this guy should look in the mirror and ask himself what his problem is? For that matter, maybe I should take a look into that same mirror?
All right, so let’s just say that chemistry might be within our control, then what? Let’s say you don’t feel it but you’re willing to give it a shot and see if it develops - how long are you supposed to wait? Probably the easiest answer is until you just can’t wait anymore, or until someone else comes into the picture. Let’s face it, if the guy is literally grossing you out and the thought of kissing him makes you want to hurl, a girl’s gotta know when to cut her losses, no? But if there’s a chance, a real one, that this could be it—don’t we owe it to ourselves to at least be open to the prospect? Especially because, whatever chemistry is, whether it’s calculated or completely random or somewhere in between, who wants to live without it? Not me.
Hmm… maybe it’s time to find out what Peter’s been up to all this time…
~~~ Shaiza
