Captain Oats and the World of Tomorrow
October 2005
So I’m back after a busy month of weddings and traveling. Travel tip: When you’re on an overnight train to the Ukraine, and men in military uniform take your passport away for 3 hours, during which the train constantly moves forward for 5 minutes, then backward for 5 minutes, slamming over and over again into something heavy behind it, and there is strange clinking and hammering going on underneath the car, which shakes so much that screws fall on you from the ceiling, you are not being held hostage by a band of gypsies that forcibly derailed the train and took off with your identity, never to be seen again. Apparently, the wheels just need to be changed for the Soviet-era track gauge. Oh, and if you ask about a “dining car” they’ll laugh at you, you stupid American, so I’d advise on taking more than a half bottle of water and some chips for the 13-hour trip.
Yay for fall TV!
As a non-Lost/non-Desperate Housewives watcher, I come in peace. I apologize. I know that you think your shows are brilliant, and they represent ABC’s highest ratings since Home Improvement - just replace the tool boy with the pool boy - but there will be no discussion of them here. I will catch Lost on DVD soon. But Desperate Housewives just wasn’t meant for me.
So far this season, How I Met Your Mother has been a surprise, with Doogie stealing back America’s heart, and Everybody Loves Chris is funny as expected. My Name Is Earl is alright, but if NBC doesn’t stop running those radio ads with the fake friends making fake banter about their fake TV-viewing experiences and fake renewed respect for lame shows like ER and Will and Grace, I swear I’m going on a rampage.
But of course the real story is the O.C., crazier than ever. Ok, I lied. The real story is how this season’s token African American team on the family version of The Amazing Race was actually named the Black family. A priceless moment was spent watching Host Phil say “Black family. You’ve been eliminated.” Was I watching a bad SNL skit? It’s the equivalent of the Bachelorette saying, “Black Guy, will you accept this rose?” “…oh and by the way, there’s no chance in hell you’ll make it past the second round.” But I’m getting distracted here. Did I mention America’s Next Top Model almost had a same-sex romance until Tyra made the unexplicable mistake of voting off the curious straight girl? I am in love with Kim, the boyish lesbian who, after getting kissed by contestant Sarah, said “One down, eleven to go!” Speaking of ANTM, I’m obsessed with season one third runner-up Elyse Sewell’s blog. Great photos of her between modeling gigs in East Asia. Ok, ok, but really, the O.C. is extra ridiculous this season, so that’s what I have to talk about, even though it’s on hiatus for a month because of Sox, some more Sox, and Derek Jeter. Go Padres!
The kids are tossed into the crazy world of public and home schooling!
So everyone loves Marissa’s new friends, the Bizarro public school Seth, Ryan, and Summer, but Marissa shot a recently convicted felon in self-defense. And it was HIS gun! And he didn’t even die! Why is she expelled? This was a good deed! It should have wiped her slate clean. But worst of all is that the kids are teasing her about it. In real life she would be automatically cool. What high school kid wouldn’t be popular after shooting someone? So let the ridiculousness of season three begin. Although now I know why Ryan is being home schooled. Since those nutty public schools won’t teach it, Sandy knows that this is the only way to keep intelligent design in Ryan’s curriculum.
New villains!
Dean Hess, played by Eric Mabius, a “that guy” you might remember as the sexually confused jock who gets caught giving it to (or getting it from?) our beloved Pacey in Cruel Intentions, is one of several new villains introduced this season. Now he’s come to the O.C. to wreak havoc as the new dean at Harbor High. Where is he from? Nowhere! What’s his motive? Who knows! How many “Damn these rotten kids!” sour faces can he make in one episode? Millions! Followed by a sneaky smirk and a twirl of his pretend mustache? Not enough!
Next is Taylor Townsend. She’s your typical stuck-up high school princess character, not too exciting—though really, do people still wear cable-knit sweaters tied around their necks? Isn’t that a little too Claire Huxtable/Maggie Seaver for us sophisticated O.C. viewers? But all was forgiven when it was revealed that she’s… doing Dean Hess! And two thirds of Death Cab for Cutie.
The third new villain is Charlotte, played by Jeri Ryan. She’s one of those characters where the writers lay it on so thick that you already know within 5, maybe 10, seconds that she’s going to be evil. Or maybe it was her acting… “Ok Jeri, now you’re going to tell Kirsten you could totally relate to her AA speech about her father...but this time can we PLEASE take your I-just-clubbed-10-baby-seals grin down a teensy notch? ‘Kthanxbye.”
Shabby chic Julie!
So Julie Cooper lost everything after Caleb was revealed to be a debt-ridden loser. First of all, can’t she sell her jewelry and make, like, thousands and thousands of dollars? Second, when she went to the motel, how did she fit all her stuff in two tiny suitcases? Doesn’t she have billions of dresses, bags, shoes, etc.? Surely they didn’t take that? I have so many questions. But I love that she has too much pride to borrow from Sandy and Kirsten. That’s my girl… just so long as you don’t borrow from anyone, they’ll all still think you’re rich. No one will notice that you’re living in your car with three cases of ramen and a pee jar.
And finally, a moment of silence…
The rumors have been denied again, but I’ll post this obit just in case. I love Jess and Nick, so I won’t make any jokes about her booze problems, father issues, or giant fish mouth. I’ll just say that bee-spraying, sod-laying, flat panel TV-hanging Nick will be sorely missed. And it’s sad that his next girlfriend is going to be Trishelle from the Real World.
