Disclosing Deal-breakers
Hairy backs. Cheapskates. Baby's momma drama. Bad (really bad) dressers. And let's not forget the dreaded commitment-phobe. The deal-breaker list just keeps growing. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your perspective, the more a girl dates, the longer the list gets. Ale and I recently contemplated everything we'd hoped our Prince Charmings would be. But then the realization hit. Now that it had been almost ten years since college, the list of what we don't want is much longer than the list of what we do want. Sure, it would still be great to marry a tall, dark, handsome doctor. But if that doctor had unresolved issues with his ex-girlfriend? No, thank you. Which begs the question, when do you disclose your deal-breakers? First date, second date, third date, fourth? If there's something that really is absolutely non-negotiable, isn't it better to find out sooner rather than later?
After healing a case of cabin fever with a well-deserved vacation in NYC, I was raring to get back into the great big world full of eligible bachelors. But on my first date back, what did I find? Yet another deal-breaker. He doesn't read. In fact, not only does he not read, he's adamantly opposed to the activity. When I mentioned one of my favorite books (The Kite Runner), he asked me if it had pictures. Sadly, I don't think he was joking. But then again, could that qualify as a deal-breaker? Maybe I could get past it. The Anti-Reader became the topic of conversation when we were all celebrating Alyssa's thirtieth birthday at Beechwood, a popular restaurant in Marina Del Rey. Alyssa and Nicole were both squarely in my corner. "How can you date a guy who doesn't read?!," they exclaimed. Alyssa likened it to the time she was dating the guy with the hairy back. The date was pleasant until they kissed good-bye, during which time she wrapped her arms around him, walked her fingers to the hem of his shirt and found...a fistful of fur. She had to stop herself from gagging into his mouth.
Then again, hairy backs can be waxed and maybe the Anti-Reader would come around. My friend Jen had to admit that as deal-breakers go, my latest one was "kind of a weird one, honey." And it's not like he can't read, he just chooses not to. Although for some reason, that doesn't really make me feel much better. Besides, do I really want to embark on the undertaking of Trying-to-Change-a-Guy? "Well," inquired Doris, "is he cute?" I paused, trying to think of a kind response..."Too late," pronounced Ale, "you waited too long. You know you've got your answer." And with that, the Anti-Reader joined the ranks of the One-Date-Wonders.
While I chewed my lip for a second, wondering if I was being too picky, I didn't wonder for too long. After all, my deal-breakers had served me well. I learned the first deal-breaker the hard way. After dating a guy in college who turned out to have a girlfriend (much to my surprise); I now knew to find out if a current crush was taken as soon as I possibly could. Or what about when I went out with the metrosexual whose shoe collection rivaled my own? That experience taught me that heterosexuality can never just be assumed (at least not in this town). By the way, my metro didn’t turn out to be gay, but guess what he did have? Issues with his ex-girlfriend that were "complicated." Sigh. Yet another lesson learned. And to a certain extent, that's how I think of all my deal-breakers, as lessons all well-learned. So how can that be a bad thing?
But what if it's already too late by the time a deal-breaker is discovered? What if some kind of romantic investment has already been made? Are we then doomed to linger in some sort of emotional escrow? Sure, some deal-breakers are easy to figure out. It's hard to mistake a guy who on our very first date wouldn't pick up the tab of my $3.75 sandwich as anything other than a tightwad. I mean really, what else did I need to know? Even the subjects rife with controversy are still for the most part relatively transparent deal-breakers. While religion has led to countless debates, if dating within one's faith is important, a quick conversation is really all that’s needed to know whether to dive in or steer clear. But then there are the other kind of deal-breakers, the ones that lie in wait, hiding under the covers, patiently biding their time until you let your guard down and then BAM! The small penis! Avert your eyes, take another peek, nope, still small. Or even
worse, the commitment-phobe! You know, that guy whose not ready for a
relationship but makes you feel like the only woman in the world? Poor Mariana wishes she would've seen that one coming.
Which begs the question, when your heart's already involved, do deal-breakers really exist? Could love perhaps conquer all? Don't get me wrong, I’m incredibly grateful to have learned all my deal-breaker lessons. But I can't help thinking, if I really liked the cheapskate or the metro or even the Anti-Reader, maybe I would’ve learned to live with their flaws. Aren’t our flaws what make us human? Maybe if you don't let the deal-breaker break you, it’s a good sign that you might be able to sustain a relationship. Or maybe not. Who's to say when perseverance becomes stubbornness or when "knowing better" equals cowardice? Maybe the real truth is that it’s all a balancing act. And if there's something worthwhile there, like a dealmaker, well then, maybe it’s worth the effort. So where does that leave me? Onto the next date, of course. He's smart, nice and so far no dreaded deal-breakers in sight...
~~~ Shaiza
