Pie Making 101
Dear, we’ll call you BLANK (since it is rather appropriate for your personality),
It has come to my attention that our relationship is over. The hints were subtle, but in the end quite clear. There was the rapid digression from phone calls, to quick text messages, to emails, to facebook pokes. The comments: “I’m not sure I’ll be seeing much of you after the next three weeks.” “Maybe you’d really be better for my brother – just kidding.” (Always enjoyed your hearty sense of humor.) “I have a hard time with commitment because it always feels like I’m settling.” And, of course, the way you hugged the wall as you slept, as far away from me as possible, as if it were your mother’s breast. From what I’ve heard, she’d be happy to have you back there, by the way.
So, no hard feelings. Really, all my friends think it was very character-building of me to date someone so much less good-looking than the usual tanned, toned, hair-gelled cliché. White, flabby and only occasionally showered was quite the fun little departure. It felt wholesome, like substituting one of those heavy, seed-filled vegan breads for my usual airy baguette. You my dear, are no baguette.
And since you always whined, in that cute little way you had, that I never cooked for you (mostly because I spend 16-hour days in LAW SCHOOL asshat – but also because I didn’t want to) here’s a little recipe in your honor…
Howdja-Like-Them-Apples Pie
Start with a chilled mixing bowl, chilled rolling pin (marble is best) and a cold, cold heart. Place an 8-inch pie tin (9-inch can work too, but the dough has to be rolled thinner, which is harder to do, and really haven’t you done enough work already trying to figure out what was going on in his small addled brain?), a cookie sheet, and a small bowl half-full of ice cubes nearby. Before you begin, place a pin through the heart (or anatomical feature of your choice) of the voodoo doll decorated with a lock of his hair. Couldn’t hurt to step on the doll too, just to get the point across… Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Crust:
1 ¼ cups all-purpose flour
Pinch salt
1 tablespoon sugar
6 tablespoons chilled butter, diced
4 tablespoons all-vegetable shortening (butter flavored shortening is crap)
2-4 tablespoons ice water
A good crust, is tender and full of air pockets where the butter clumps melted. To achieve these pockets, the fat used must stay cold, and separate from the flour, until the pie is baked. Your baked crust will be soggy or hard if the dough becomes too warm and the fats melt (warning signs include a greasy accumulation on the dough surface, and a darkening in color in spots). This recipe combines shortening, which is more stable and workable, with butter, which has so much more flavor. Butter and shortening should be COLD before you begin. If you don’t have a food processor, cube the butter and shortening, then use two knives to cut it into crumbly lumps in the flour. Do NOT use one of those pastry cutter things – they just squish it all together and make a mess.
Combine all ingredients EXCEPT WATER in a food processor. Pulse briefly, until mixture appears crumbly, like fine gravel. Add water, one tablespoon at a time, pulsing until dough lumps together at the side of the bowl. The amount of water required will vary every single time because that is the nature of pie crust. Chill at least an hour while you prepare filling.
Filling:
2 ½ poundsGranny Smith apples (because this variety is tart – NEVER use Red Delicious or other mealy, sweet variety - also stop dating their human equivalent of mealy, easily-bruised men), peeled and sliced
¾ cup granulated sugar
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon ground cinnamon
¼ teaspoon ground nutmeg
¼ teaspoon allspice
2 tablespoons bourbon – plus more as needed
Combine all ingredients but bourbon in a large bowl. Let sit 20 minutes or so. (The sugar will suck the moisture out of the apples like he sucked the joie de vie from your formerly vibrant personality – that way the apples won’t shrink as much during cooking). Stir in bourbon just before you place in pie tin (see “To make pie” below). Continue sipping bourbon as needed until you have the guts to delete him from your cell. If there is the slightest danger that you will call him first to tell him you are doing this, hide cell before you break out the bourbon.
To make pie:
When ready, divide dough into two balls, one a little bigger than the other. Flatten each ball with rolling pin, to about 1/8-inch thickness. Place larger flattened disk in a 8-inch pie shell. Fill with apple mixture. Top with smaller disk. Pinch crust edges together, trimming any excess. Sprinkle with 2 tablespoons granulated sugar. Place on cookie sheet (to prevent spills). Bake 30 minutes in preheated oven (remember, 400 degrees – if you don’t preheat the oven your crust will be icky – it’s an amateur mistake – like the time he told you his porn collection was “artish.”) After 30 minutes, reduce heat to 350 degrees and bake 35 minutes more, until crust is golden brown and filling is bubbly. Enjoy knowing that you are the kind of girl who can make an apple pie from scratch. Unlike the barfly ho he’s been dating since three days after you broke up.
~~ Lizread Liz's bio
